he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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