I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
