How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
