Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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