You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
