every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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