I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
