just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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