I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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