I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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