I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
