when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
