The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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