I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
