This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
