Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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