So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
