at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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