Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
