so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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