just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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