nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
