btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
