I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
