I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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