It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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