But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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