I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize