they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
