I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
