Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
