Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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