Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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