Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize