I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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