How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
