dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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