A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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