All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
