ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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