fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
