she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
