Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize