So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
