Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
