Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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