Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
