Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
