Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
