I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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