1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
