capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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