Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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