i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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