Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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