wakey wakey hands off snakey
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
