dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
