Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
