Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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