She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
