Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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