Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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