I cannot find my penis.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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