made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
