So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
