also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
