he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
