maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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