You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize