I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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